Hey Baybay, (Note, still
not pregnant, previous post here!)
I’ve finally been able to admit to myself tonight that I
have a problem. And it isn’t just one of
those problems like “oh, darn…my tire is flat.” It’s a problem like “oh, darn…my
tire just blew out, sparks were flying on the asphalt from the rim instantly
hitting the ground, my car spun, then went down an embankment and slowly slid
further into 14 inch thick mud...and I don’t have four wheel drive” kind of a
problem. Do you know what I’m
saying?
I’m sure by now you’re just screaming in your head while
simultaneously rolling your eyes Mom!!!
Get to the point already! What is this tire blow-out, massive, deep mud problem
that you have? Well, I’ll tell
you!...It’s that I want you. I want you here and in my arms and in my life
and I wanted you to be here yesterday and 5 years ago too. But wait love, that’s not all!
My OTHER problem is that because I want you so badly, I can’t
help myself but get emotional when I think about you, see other mommy’s with
babies, or EVEN read about them on other blogs.
Ok, Ok, I know I sound crazy…You’ll learn from the start that your mom
likes to be ridiculous on a regular basis…and hopefully you’ll end up finding
it endearing.
But that’s not the point!…the
POINT is, that I went to Disneyland two
years ago and had to fight back tears as I saw parents walking their kids
through the park. The POINT is that I can’t read a single
freaking one of Kelle Hampton’s or Naomi Davis’ blog posts about their children
without crying. The POINT is, when I think about my life with you my eyes have random
tsunamis…It’s very traumatic for
those eye balls of mine.
…The POINT is
baby, that I’m ready for you and yet, at the same time I’m totally not. There is no daddy yet, no money yet, no safe and
warm house yet, just reality unfortunately.
But besides all those things I don't have yet, there is one thing I do have already...a massive, un-imaginable amount
of love for you.
AND!...you member that
problem I mentioned above? Yeah? Well that won’t always be a problem…I mean
between you and me, I’ll probably always
cry when I see sweet little babies with their mommies and daddies, and I’ll
probably always be emotional about you,
but that problem of wanting you?
Well I think that’s gonna go away someday. =) And I can’t wait.
In the meantime, while I DO wait, allow me to fall apart into a thousand pieces onto the
ground like that glass lid Uncle Matt dropped last night...while I watch this
video for the 2736246.77 millionth time.
