Dear Baby letter #2

Hey Baybay,  (Note, still not pregnant, previous post here!)

I’ve finally been able to admit to myself tonight that I have a problem.  And it isn’t just one of those problems like “oh, darn…my tire is flat.” It’s a problem like “oh, darn…my tire just blew out, sparks were flying on the asphalt from the rim instantly hitting the ground, my car spun, then went down an embankment and slowly slid further into 14 inch thick mud...and I don’t have four wheel drive” kind of a problem.  Do you know what I’m saying?  

I’m sure by now you’re just screaming in your head while simultaneously rolling your eyes Mom!!! Get to the point already! What is this tire blow-out, massive, deep mud problem that you have?   Well, I’ll tell you!...It’s that I want you.  I want you here and in my arms and in my life and I wanted you to be here yesterday and 5 years ago too.  But wait love, that’s not all! 

My OTHER problem is that because I want you so badly, I can’t help myself but get emotional when I think about you, see other mommy’s with babies, or EVEN read about them on other blogs.  Ok, Ok, I know I sound crazy…You’ll learn from the start that your mom likes to be ridiculous on a regular basis…and hopefully you’ll end up finding it endearing. 

 But that’s not the point!…the POINT is, that I went to Disneyland two years ago and had to fight back tears as I saw parents walking their kids through the park.  The POINT is that I can’t read a single freaking one of Kelle Hampton’s or Naomi Davis’ blog posts about their children without crying.  The POINT is, when I think about my life with you my eyes have random tsunamis…It’s very traumatic for those eye balls of mine.

…The POINT is baby, that I’m ready for you and yet, at the same time I’m totally not.  There is no daddy yet, no money yet, no safe and warm house yet, just reality unfortunately.  But besides all those things I don't have yet, there is one thing I do have already...a massive, un-imaginable amount of love for you.  

 AND!...you member that problem I mentioned above?  Yeah?  Well that won’t always be a problem…I mean between you and me, I’ll probably always cry when I see sweet little babies with their mommies and daddies, and I’ll probably always be emotional about you, but that problem of wanting you?  Well I think that’s gonna go away someday. =)  And I can’t wait.  

In the meantime, while I DO wait, allow me to fall apart into a thousand pieces onto the ground like that glass lid Uncle Matt dropped last night...while I watch this video for the 2736246.77 millionth time.